8. Jessica's Ass

“Does my ass look big in this?” Jessica asked me.

I sat up in bed and studied both Jessica and her reflection in the mirror. I wasn’t actually checking out her backside – I saw enough of it just a few minutes ago, up close and personal. What I did look for was any signs of humor. Obviously this kind of question could only be asked as part of a joke. No one actually asks that genuinely nowadays without being self-aware. I didn’t expect Jessica to ravage me with her comedic talents, but I was being polite. Let her deliver her gag. Credit is given where credit is due, she was good at gagging.

Jessica stared at me the whole time, dead serious and awaiting my reply. It was only our second night together (followed by our second date), so I didn’t know her well yet. Between watching movies and having sex, we didn’t actually get to talk much.

Maybe she was just playing the long con. I would stumble over my answer, trying to find the right one when she would suddenly laugh and let me off the hook. Ha ha ha, I was just kidding.

That kind of witless attempt at humor would be annoying, but not as annoying as her earnestly asking me that question. It wasn’t a big deal and I knew first hand that the eagerness to make a good impression during those early first dates can make us all say and do stupid things.

I had to answer quickly before my silence would be mistaken for trying to come up with a carefully composed answer, meaning I did actually think her ass looked big whether she was joking or not. I suppressed a smile at the thought of an ass-related joke back-firing.

“Yes.” I said and caught the flicker of mortified expression on her face before I quickly continued. “But it’s not your fault. These pants are obviously designed to accentuate the area for girls with flat asses which is obviously not you. You don’t need any of that nonsense. You should go for a boot cut Levi’s which will fit your perfect shape much better. In fact let’s go shopping for that tomorrow.”

“Really?!” Jessica said in unfeigned surprise with a hint of delight.

“No, I’m kidding, you fat cow.”

That mortified expression reappeared on Jessica’s face for longer this time.

I broke the awkward silence with a quick chuckle. Jessica joined me with a short hesitant laughter - as if she hasn’t decided yet if she is entertained or offended but still had to respond.

Then we both went quiet. This was weird. It is the sort of tense silence you would expect at a first blind date gone wrong where you and your date had nothing in common - not with someone who you (with the exception of her nostrils, eye sockets and ears) have violated every orifice in her body.

I got dressed quickly and left without saying one more word.