30. How to Become a Cat

You want to be a cat. This is great because I can help you achieve your goal. It is a good thing that you want to be a cat and not another type of animal as cats have simplistic DNA which is effective for our scientific procedure.

I accept the fact that most of you are without any scientific background (excluding “knowledge” acquired from watching CSI which actually makes you more stupid than before), so I will do my best to avoid complex terminology.

The first thing you need is a fresh blood sample from a cat. It must be used no later than thirty minutes after it was extracted from a cat. Needless to say, that cat needs to be alive at the time. Feel free to acquire  the blood in any way that is most convenient to you. Whether it is with a needle or by bashing the cat’s head open with a rock, I do not really care.

Also, make sure the cat you acquire the blood from is a cat you like, because that is what you are going to turn into. The last thing you want is to pick a scrawny ugly cat because it is the easiest one to put your hands on and then end up looking like that piece of shit.

Now, here is the complex part. You must read it very carefully and follow it to the letter.

The next thing you need to do is to make your DNA receptive to change.

Rinse your body carefully, scrubbing every inch, including your bottom. You must sparkle and shine.

Sit in a bath and fill it with nothing but ice cold water and the cat’s blood. The cold water will be unpleasant, but it does not matter. None of it is supposed to last long.

Pick up your Taser C2 and aim it at the surface of the water. As you activate it an electric jolt is going to shock your system . Do not worry. The water will short-circuit the taser before any harm is done (make sure to use the model I mentioned) and your DNA will open up for transformation. The cat DNA in the water will latch to your body and start rewriting your DNA.

Get out of the bath quickly and lie down in an empty room. The transformation into a cat could be quite shocking and violent.

Since a cat’s mass is much smaller than a person you will find yourself throwing up a lot of blood and even bits of flesh as your body will expel any excessive biological material that is no longer needed. Some of it might come out of your anus.

During the transformation just keep breathing and try to relax. Before you know it your human mind will devolve into a cat’s mind and the panic and fear will fade away naturally.

Suddenly none of your human worries will bother you ever again. You will be a free happy cat.

Congratulations!